Rambling

I've had a long day at work, and I'm tired of crunching numbers. I'm technically supposed to be here for another hour, but I mentally left the building a few hours ago.
I have this creative project due in my Humanities class next week, and it has consumed my thoughts. I'm so excited about it. This is saying something because I don't get excited that often. I'm not sure if it's because I've worked hard to supress my stronger feelings, or because my medicine has been suppressing them for so many years that I don't know how to feel anymore. Whatever the reason, excitement doesn't come often for me. I'm not used to it. It is very distracting.
I mean, how can I look at a paper full of figures when I know there is a very expensive, very amazing camera burning it's way through the bottom drawer of my desk. The smoke from its heat keeps wafting to my nose when I least expect it, and all I want to do is pull the drawer out and save the beautiful camera from exploding. I want to grab it and run for the door to save it from overheating. All the camera needs is a little fresh air. Once it's outside it will be ok. The heat will go away, and with each click of the shudder, the camera will cool down until it feels like a piece of ice in my hands. Then I can take that ice to cool down my burning chest. Those feelings will be frozen in ice again and I can go back to being the same old boring me that I love so much.
But will I love my boring side so much after I have to give the camera back and finish my project? Will I be satisfied not feeling anything again, or will that burning in my chest just get worse and worse because it will have no outlet in which to escape?
No. The fire will go away just like everything else does. I won't care soon, and then I'll be content. I won't feel the need to run from the building again because I like it that way. I like my life when it's not full of such horrible distractions. I like being boring, cold, set in stone. It makes me happy in my own way. Not that I can really feel happiness, because happiness requires feeling, and feeling is too much work. But I can feel satisfied. That's a nice, mellow feeling. A feeeling that can just sit there and not bother anyone. It can make itself at home in your heart without any inconvienence to you. It can warm you on winter nights, and cool you in the blazing sun. It's perfect because it just sits there. It simply is. No more.
That's how I want to feel. I just want to be. I don't want to constantly change. Stone. That's what I'd like to be. Still and simple as stone. Just sit there and don't talk or breathe or move or care about anything in the world at all. Simply be. What a peaceful feeling that would bring. That would be perfect.

Wouldn't it?